Some feelings are like old familiar friends, Depression is like that for me. When I’m not in it, I don’t remember.I remember it’s bad,I remember darkness,but it is different to feel it again. It’s the difference between remembering what a room looks like and actually walking through the door in that room. Being inside it again, feeling it again.
When depression starts,it can be slow at first.An instructive thought appears,“I don’t want to be here”and assume it’s gone like you bat it away like a fly or a bad smell. But when it hits you fully though when you are really in it,it’s everything;It’s Who you’re, you’re nothing else. On the outside, You look the same smiling and pretending is so much work but inside it’s a different story. You start to hate yourself, you’re so alone;so unbelievably Alone. And you can be with someone you Love but you’re not really with them.
“We think we know what’s going on with other people,but we don’t.You never really know what’s going on inside someone else’s head. Everyone’s fighting a battle;you can’t see.” We all have blind spots. And you know it’s you,it’s something wrong with you and it’s also exhausting: so goddamn shitty and exhausting,it’s helpless. It’s a void and existing takes so much energy,you want to sink into a hole of nothing where no one talks to you and you don’t have to smile or talk or be.
Anyway, it’s familiar, I’ve been here before, gotten out of it before but getting out of the part becomes the room that you remember but aren’t in; and that’s what’s Scary.